Why didn’t anyone notice that I went from the happy-go-lucky, class clown… weighing in at 140lbs…

…to a thin, fragile, self-pitying, insecure version of my self… dropping down to 120lbs..


The signs were there… weight loss, feelings of worthlessness, thoughts of suicide, persistent sadness, loss of interest in hobbies and friends. I simply felt discouraged and empty on a day to day basis. Some days I was more functional than others.. and the other days anxiety would tear me apart… even if it could only tear me down for 20 minutes, that was enough.

I’d often try to picture what happiness looked like. I’d look at other people and what they were doing. I tried to build my happiness on what society imaged as “happy”. I didn’t know what I know now. I failed and failed!! I failed at everything I was trying to become because it wasn’t who I was!

I’ve always been labeled “weird” for thinking outside the box. I’m weird because I am myself? I never felt anything I did was “weird”… different but definitely not weird…

I had been conditioned… by the world and people around me to keep my voice hidden. I was conditioned to be “normal”… Graduate high school, go to college, get a job, make a lot of $$$, get married, have kids. Well, G GOLLY… that all sounds nice buuuuut… that’s not everyone’s goal nor purpose in life… I was reaching for a future that wasn’t my own. I was only 19. I didn’t even know myself yet… I didn’t know who I was supposed to be yet or what I was supposed to do here.

I was living life in a not so lively way… I was coasting, doing enough to get by in life and stay alive. The emotions were so real… I felt every emotion like a ton of bricks.. heartbreak, failure, self-pity… It all felt the same and it all hurt me the same. I wanted to give up every day and just coast through life. BUT I DIDN’T… It took so much trial and error before I could see the bigger picture…

I’m going to stop right here today and continue in another post… Please always feel free to comment.


Click below to continue reading!!

One cup of depression, please. (cont.)


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