“Sometimes, I still feel like that little girl… sitting on the couch… waiting for her father to come, like he said he would.”
He never came… He said he was coming.
I got my hair done, and I got dressed nice. And I waited… and waited.
It took me awhile to realize that when he said he was coming… He probably wasn’t.
As the 27-year-old woman I am today, I tend to look back at a lot of things I’ve experienced as a child. It’s so crazy how everything thing plays out… We don’t realize it then, of course… but we live and learn.
I find that when looking back as a child waiting for my father… I was so used to disappointments and dealing with someone who never kept their promises… someone I trusted and loved at that.
And then I look back at some of my past relationships… and I see a pattern.
I see a pattern where I allowed myself to be misused. I was okay with the bare minimum I was given. Because compared to nothing… it was something right??
And sometimes I knew I was being misused, but yet I was already used to hearing lies and/or dealing with disappointments… so when it came, I just dealt with it. It was nothing new. So I let it happen.
Letting people misuse me and hurt me because I understood their pain as well…
Confusing comfort with security and love…
I had never been able to look at myself and my situations as clearly as I am able to today… But I see now, that it was my father who first broke my heart. And I went into these relationships with this unknown, undefined burden on my chest.
And now that I’ve lived some and I’ve learned some, I am ready to undo that pain ❤