Mirror, Mirror

I do not know how else to say this, but I will try my best. I remember there was a moment when I felt the separation between my physical and spiritual self.

yellow petaled flower beside mirrorIt was as though I was looking at myself through another set of eyes… much different from the pair that I saw before me.

I remember that day so well. I was so tired; I was depleted mentally and emotionally.

COMPLETELY DISASSEMBLED.

For so long I just could not find a connection between myself and the world around me. 

I had often thought of death, I just knew it would feel better than feeling so empty and desperate.

Man, I could never trace myself to anything that would cause me to feel this way; I just knew I did. I just KNEW I had gone crazy…

……The kind of crazy that convinced everyone that I was just like them and I was ok…
e v e r y t h i n g was fine.

But then I would go home and I would shrink back into the comforts of my low self-esteem and the negativity I was so accustomed to.

WAKE UP. PRETEND. DESPAIR. REPEAT.

I sought to fill the void, but nothing could completely satisfy my anguish. All I seemed to do was dig myself deeper and deeper.

My life just became more and more stressful, I was overwhelmed with everything. The thought of death would tempt me as a means of escape and freedom, but I was far too afraid of that reality.

My children are my treasure and I would become so frustrated because as much as I wanted to give up, the mere thought of them would silence my demand for an escape.

Fast forward… I am standing in the bathroom, completely worn down and demanding a change. Wrestling with my imagination. It was in that moment my life would forever change…

 

to be continued…

KJV Philippians 4:8

“Finally, brethren, 
whatsoever things are true,
whatsoever things are honest,
whatsoever things are just,
whatsoever things are pure,
whatsoever things are lovely,
whatsoever things are of good report;
if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things” 

 

 

 

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