I miss my dad.

I’ve never said those words before tonight.

But I knew one day I would. Just not tonight…

I was just sitting in bed. Thinking:

“what can i do”

“what do i do in the meantime”

“how can i be the best version of me”…

And then with all my pride, I opened my mouth I asked God aloud “How can I serve you? Help me to be who I need to be.”

And then it started… I started thinking about my dad. I started to think about the reality of my relationship with my father… it had been nonexistent for years… just complete silence.

And now more than anything, I wish he was here.

 

I wish we hadn’t been stuck in our egos and had just shown each other the love we both deserved…

I asked and I was given. As I took the time to just let myself unravel I thought to myself…

Is this apart of the process?? Is this something that I needed because I had been filled with such resentment and was unconscious for so long and never realized it? Was God telling me to love? to give love and also RECIEVE IT… because honestly, I haven’t been.

❤ ❤

When it’s the right time God will show you your true self… and what you do with that truth is up to you.

Where are the beautiful people?

Where are the beautiful people?

Where have the beautiful people gone?

Being beautiful is more than just looks.

Being beautiful is something that comes from within… it is something that I think a lot of us have a hard time sharing, because maybe we feel as though we are not.

The way you treat others and the way you treat yourself reveals a lot about your inner beauty.

Feeling beautiful can be a feeling you get from others and yourself based on your outward appearance… and there is nothing wrong with that… but what happens when that beauty fades?? what happens when something/someone comes and alters that feeling??

And all you are stuck with is a canvas… that use to be beautiful.

When you are a beautiful person within no one can change that.

No one has the power to take that from you, as long as you don’t allow it.

Beauty is showing gratitude and respect to all living things.

Beauty is the upbeat rhythm playing in your heart and soul because you have all the confidence and faith in yourself and your God.

Beauty is the soul that gives and takes love.

Beauty is the person that you are and that you fighting to become.

You don’t have to have perfection to be beautiful…

Just some love… for yourself.

I Love You

I Love You

Before I ever understood depression I always thought that it was a state of sadness, just another word for another emotion.

But actually experiencing depression first hand was more than I had imagined! I remember it starting around the age of 18 or 19. I try to think back on events to see what triggered it…

What I came up with is… I lacked the ability to love, trust, and believe in myself. So when things hit the fan and blew up in my relationships I spiraled!

I was hurt… I was betrayed… I was taken advantage of and it hurt me so bad that someone could treat me that way… specifically the person who told me, “I love you”…

My favorite movie!

My favorite movie!

“There are a lot of people in this world who have bad trouble. We happen to be three of those people. We could sit around the rest of our lives and live on that trouble and we’d get to where we’d have nothing else because we wanted nothing else.”

-Joe Tilford

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I just finished watching my favorite movie, The Children’s Hour. Starring Audrey Hepburn, Shirley MacLaine, and James Garner. I have seen this movie so many times and enjoyed it… but never have I perceived it the way I did tonight. It is truly a good movie. I can only imagine living in such a time struggling with your identity and sexual orientation.

-Also, I love Audrey Hepburn ❤

Sleep

Sleep

I should be asleep

Yet I am awake

Thinking about something

Thinking about nothing.

 

I should be asleep

But my pillow is damp

There are tears on my cheeks

My eyes are exhausted.

 

I should be asleep

I set my alarm for bed at 10PM

It is 1:25AM…

 

I should be asleep, but I can’t find my way there.

It is 1:26AM and I am awake.

I am sad, I am overwhelmed, I am anxious, I am frustrated!

 

Why when I crawl into bed do these thoughts come with me?

I  should be asleep.