I miss my dad.

I’ve never said those words before tonight.

But I knew one day I would. Just not tonight…

I was just sitting in bed. Thinking:

“what can i do”

“what do i do in the meantime”

“how can i be the best version of me”…

And then with all my pride, I opened my mouth I asked God aloud “How can I serve you? Help me to be who I need to be.”

And then it started… I started thinking about my dad. I started to think about the reality of my relationship with my father… it had been nonexistent for years… just complete silence.

And now more than anything, I wish he was here.

 

I wish we hadn’t been stuck in our egos and had just shown each other the love we both deserved…

I asked and I was given. As I took the time to just let myself unravel I thought to myself…

Is this apart of the process?? Is this something that I needed because I had been filled with such resentment and was unconscious for so long and never realized it? Was God telling me to love? to give love and also RECIEVE IT… because honestly, I haven’t been.

❤ ❤

When it’s the right time God will show you your true self… and what you do with that truth is up to you.

Vision Board

I finally finished my vision board!

I was supposed to be done with my vision board in January… that didn’t happen.

But, I have finally completed my visual.

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My board represents who I am, who I was, and who I want to be. I have several reminders and words than root deeper meanings within myself.

Continue below… I want to share a story.

When I was done pasting my words, I began to decorate my board. But then I stopped and looked at my board and it reminded me of my life… all these dreams and aspirations.

And then… there were the small, sparkly sequins I had begun to paste. But, they were no longer sparkly decorations.  They represented all the distractions that have held me back along my journey.

So… I peeled them all off. Had I followed my first mind not to even decorate, I wouldn’t have had to go through any of that trouble. But, we live and learn! That’s the greatest part of living… you still have a chance. Even if you screw up and don’t get it right today you still have the ability to try again and apply those lessons.

Plus! The decorations just add clutter and take away from my board, I think. I love simplicity. So that it is, simple. I am going to do a board of my favorite affirmations next. I find these activities to be a productive way to use your time, especially when you have free time to devote from escaping the negatives. ❤

 

 

First heartbreak.

“Sometimes, I still feel like that little girl… sitting on the couch… waiting for her father to come, like he said he would.”

He never came… He said he was coming.

I got my hair done, and I got dressed nice. And I waited… and waited. 

It took me awhile to realize that when he said he was coming… He probably wasn’t.

 

As the 27-year-old woman I am today, I tend to look back at a lot of things I’ve experienced as a child. It’s so crazy how everything thing plays out… We don’t realize it then, of course… but we live and learn.

I find that when looking back as a child waiting for my father… I was so used to disappointments and dealing with someone who never kept their promises… someone I trusted and loved at that.

And then I look back at some of my past relationships… and I see a pattern.

I see a pattern where I allowed myself to be misused. I was okay with the bare minimum I was given. Because compared to nothing… it was something right??

And sometimes I knew I was being misused, but yet I was already used to hearing lies and/or dealing with disappointments… so when it came, I just dealt with it. It was nothing new. So I let it happen.

Letting people misuse me and hurt me because I understood their pain as well…

Confusing comfort with security and love…

I had never been able to look at myself and my situations as clearly as I am able to today… But I see now, that it was my father who first broke my heart. And I went into these relationships with this unknown, undefined burden on my chest.

And now that I’ve lived some and I’ve learned some, I am ready to undo that pain ❤