“There are a lot of people in this world who have bad trouble. We happen to be three of those people. We could sit around the rest of our lives and live on that trouble and we’d get to where we’d have nothing else because we wanted nothing else.”
I just finished watching my favorite movie, The Children’s Hour. Starring Audrey Hepburn, Shirley MacLaine, and James Garner. I have seen this movie so many times and enjoyed it… but never have I perceived it the way I did tonight. It is truly a good movie. I can only imagine living in such a time struggling with your identity and sexual orientation.
-Also, I love Audrey Hepburn ❤
I should be asleep
Yet I am awake
Thinking about something
Thinking about nothing.
I should be asleep
But my pillow is damp
There are tears on my cheeks
My eyes are exhausted.
I should be asleep
I set my alarm for bed at 10PM
It is 1:25AM…
I should be asleep, but I can’t find my way there.
It is 1:26AM and I am awake.
I am sad, I am overwhelmed, I am anxious, I am frustrated!
Why when I crawl into bed do these thoughts come with me?
I should be asleep.
I finally finished my vision board!
I was supposed to be done with my vision board in January… that didn’t happen.
But, I have finally completed my visual.
My board represents who I am, who I was, and who I want to be. I have several reminders and words than root deeper meanings within myself.
Continue below… I want to share a story.
When I was done pasting my words, I began to decorate my board. But then I stopped and looked at my board and it reminded me of my life… all these dreams and aspirations.
And then… there were the small, sparkly sequins I had begun to paste. But, they were no longer sparkly decorations. They represented all the distractions that have held me back along my journey.
So… I peeled them all off. Had I followed my first mind not to even decorate, I wouldn’t have had to go through any of that trouble. But, we live and learn! That’s the greatest part of living… you still have a chance. Even if you screw up and don’t get it right today you still have the ability to try again and apply those lessons.
Plus! The decorations just add clutter and take away from my board, I think. I love simplicity. So that it is, simple. I am going to do a board of my favorite affirmations next. I find these activities to be a productive way to use your time, especially when you have free time to devote from escaping the negatives. ❤
I freaking love to write!
There’s so much freedom in writing.
I mean really, you take a blank sheet of paper… and you start thinking, sometimes aloud. Then you start combining words and making these sentences… and you organize them in such a way that is so beautiful. Sometimes complicated and other times so delicate.
But either way, it’s beautiful. It’s you. It’s art. It’s expression of YOU.
If I hadn’t started writing… I don’t think I would know who I am. ,
I’ve discovered and unmasked so many questions about myself through writing. ❤
Seriously… it’s always been euphoric for me, no matter my mood. The minute I rest my mind and start writing I am at ease and nothing feels as bad as it did before I started writing. ❤
“Sometimes, I still feel like that little girl… sitting on the couch… waiting for her father to come, like he said he would.”
He never came… He said he was coming.
I got my hair done, and I got dressed nice. And I waited… and waited.
It took me awhile to realize that when he said he was coming… He probably wasn’t.
As the 27-year-old woman I am today, I tend to look back at a lot of things I’ve experienced as a child. It’s so crazy how everything thing plays out… We don’t realize it then, of course… but we live and learn.
I find that when looking back as a child waiting for my father… I was so used to disappointments and dealing with someone who never kept their promises… someone I trusted and loved at that.
And then I look back at some of my past relationships… and I see a pattern.
I see a pattern were I allowed myself to be misused. I was okay with the bare minimum I was given. Because compared to nothing… it was something right??
And sometimes I knew I was being misused, but yet I was already used to hearing lies and/or dealing with disappointments… so when it came, I just dealt with it. It was nothing new. So I let it happen.
Letting people misuse me and hurt me because I understood their pain as well…
Confusing comfort with security and love…
I had never been able to look at myself and my situations as clearly as I am able to today… But I see now, that it was my father who first broke my heart. And I went into these relationships with this unknown, undefined burden on my chest.
And now that I’ve lived some and I’ve learned some, I am ready to undo that pain ❤
Some days I have to sit down and gather my sh*t….
I honestly love keeping things “real”. Just as I call people out on their sh*t, I call myself out as well!
“How are you feeling? And why do you feel that way?”
“What have you been doing lately?”
These questions, for me, are very important. This is basically a way for me to stay on top of my emotions… and my anxiety. Also helps me to keep a clear mind and stay in control of my mood.
Taking the time to invest in becoming your best self is so fulfilling. I can want and want all day… I can pray for change and self-improvement… Read inspirational tidbits… Write until my fingers turn purple…
BUT at the end of the day… What did I actuallly do?? What have I done to set myself up for success? What can I do to improve my happiness??
I mean… It is MY happiness after all. And that’s where our responsibilty comes in.
“What/who is keeping you from your happiness?”
Whatever that happiness may be for you… How do you achieve it?
What can you do? What are you willing to do (LEGALLY lol) to allow yourself that happiness??
Open up all the corners of your mind and pull everything out. Pull everything out and write on it if you need to. Read what you wrote… NOW COME UP WITH A SOLUTION. There are so many resources available in our communities and online. Not to mention there are more than 7 billion people inhabiting earth, trust me someone has it worst or is experiencing the same thing. Reach out and get active. Be the one you can depend on, trust, and love.
Life can be a stinker and sometimes tears us down just to build us up. But its our responsibility not to let it completely kick our ass 😉
OH MY GOSH, I hate when my mind starts to race…
Just a confusion of scattered thoughts.
No finish line ahead… No white flag to raise.
Simmer down… just, slow down.
Give me time to catch up.
1……. inhale, exhale, grab a pen.
Today anxiety does not get to win.